rage

I need to get my fucking head together. I’m cracking up. I don’t know what exactly is going on.

Before my new thyroid medication dosage, my depression was getting debilitating. On the increased dose, it seemed manageable and realistic again. Yet now it’s raging out of fucking control.

I have been completely lost in my bullshit. The rage. The inconsolable rage. I am perpetually pissed off, frustrated, irritated.

And I don’t deal with it well. I surrender to it completely and advertise it. I take it out on [M], and even [Thornling], so bad. It turns me into a horrible, selfish, self-pitying person. It’s only a matter of time before it damages my life.

I don’t know what has changed. My life is the same. I still hate living here and feel trapped; I’m still bored as hell and in withdrawals for an adequate social life. [Thornling] is still beautiful and awesome; I still love {m], but we don’t get enough time together; the Dollies and dance are still my sole outlet. None of this is new; my life has not changed. Why are my emotions so out of control now?

I find it impossible that my thyroid could be fucked again so soon. I can only get off on that easy excuse so often.

I need to reign my mind back in. I have been letting my feelings flow unfettered, following and acting on them without thought. I can’t live like that, never have been able to. Have to get myself back in control. I need to catch the emotion, stop, process it, then decide how I should act on it.

I just don’t know what to change. I’ll try changing my mind, but then what?

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