the cost

Pregnancy/childbirth really ruined me. I never realized how much it would change/damage.

Obviously, it destroyed my body. That was a given; however, the ramifications are more extensive. I expected the stomach bulge and the stretch marks, which I have. I was less prepared for the muffins and the many unsavory stages of my breasts and the halo of hair regrowth and just how much older I look. I never thought it would take 7 months for my vagina to recover.

I used to be smart; that shit is all gone. Pregnancy then motherhood and breastfeeding have turned me retarded. It honestly feels like a chunk of my brain has been removed and I’m operating at half capacity. I remember my former abilities and talents, and they feel handicapped. I’m mentally functioning in slow motion. It feels like I’m in a psychic straight jacket. It’s fucking humiliating at times.

I miss instant recall and multitasking and creativity. I even seem checked out and incompetent at menial tasks. Driving into the side of a van comes to mind, which is surprising since I have no memory anymore.

I’m no longer as good at belly dancing. I’m out of shape and feel pathetic working out (obvious since I had a baby and got fat). At times, my emotions are extra turbulent and unexplained. Oh the random crying!

It’s just everything. I feel like a chunk of myself has been taken, which I suppose makes sense. You don’t get to create life for free. Maybe all this went to [Thornling], which would be a good trade. I have no regrets and am beyond happy with my baby. I do really miss all these parts of myself, but they were worth her. I’m just making observations as to what it cost.

I am also a bit envious that [M] didn’t have to make any of these physical sacrifices. His changes were all voluntary, and I’m so grateful he makes them so willingly and unsolicited.