plateau

Here I sit, two months into a weight loss plateau. And it is driving me mad.

After [Thornling] was born, the weight literally just fell off. From the time she was 6 weeks to when she was 5 months, I lost over 25 pounds. Ah breastfeeding.

Then, hovering a mere 3 pounds from prepregnancy weight, it just stopped. With the introduction of solid foods that quickly became 3 meals a day, my milk production easily dropped to half its previous rate. With [Thornling] deciding she was over sleeping through the night also at 5 months (correlation?), my opportunities to workout dwindled.

So nothing. For two months.

I have just over 10 pounds to lose to be my normal weight, the weight I happily lived at for about 4 years after my diet, the weight that puts me back into all my clothes. I can fit into nearly all of my prepregnancy clothes now, but there is no way in frothy hell I should wear many of them out.

I am so close. I can see my old body under those 10 pounds (and the additional 10 after that to get to my doctor approved ideal weight). It looks familiar, but it is not my body, and the familiarity is mocking me. I just want it off. I just want to feel like myself and to wear my fucking clothes again.

In another life, this would not be an issue. I could diet/work off 20 pounds in 10 weeks like clockwork. However, this other life, while productive in weight loss, created/exacerbated a whole slew of weight loss/body issues and behaviors that I have spent the last year trying to undo before I impress them upon my new daughter.

Most importantly, I am still breastfeeding. The change in frequency has already cut my production in half. I can’t do a calorie deficit. I have to continue to produce enough milk for at least another 5 months. I want to try and pump a second time during the day to up production again, but I have not had the luxury of time this month.

And I am trying my damnest, both for my own sanity and for [Thornling's] future development, to get this intuitive eating thing into my head. I definitely have my brain wrapped around and convinced of the concepts. However, habits keep getting in the way. When I go on autopilot or confront a trigger, I often falter. I have gotten to the point where I don’t beat myself up or punish myself; I just try to learn from it. Healing surely does not provide fast results. I try to console myself by telling myself they will last instead.

So I am straddling mental progress with physical stagnation. So close. So fucking close! I am not sure what to do. The weight needs to come off, but I don’t know that there is much I can do to that end for the next 5 months. Keep working on the intuitive eating; keep dancing and working out. More working out.

I got nothing.

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