I feel myself uninspired to write as no one seems to read. Plus I got out of the habit of blogging while I was away. Something to work on…

inept

I feel fucking inept at work lately. I have all this work I need to be doing, all these requirements I keep finding out about; yet I am unable to do my job. The clients aren’t available to me, or people completely ignore questions I need answered. I spend most of my time waiting, when I would much rather be working.

My trip to Colorado last week was productive but also frustrating. I finally got some visibility into just how much I am left for dead working remotely. I got to see how far behind my former department left me and how much my current department forgets to tell me. Infuriating.

My review this year was fantastic. They all seem happy with my work, but I just wonder how well I could do if I was enabled to be able to do my damn job. I don’t want to sit at home and do nothing. I want to fucking work.

My former department head is now covering for my current deployed department head. Since my former department has more structure and process, I am hoping he brings that to my new department. He manages the tech writing department, so I am hoping it leaves me less forgotten, more tasked, more informed. He has also discussed bringing me back out to Colorado more often.

We shall see.

fixed!

I think, at last, my quarter sleeve tattoo is finally fixed. I think I might finally be happy with it.

The artist was FANTASTIC! He wasn’t my usual guy, but he was just as talented. He practically read my mind. I never had to tell him what I wanted; he suggested what I was thinking when he looked at the tattoo. We bullshitted the entire time, which made me exceedingly comfortable. We communicated. And he really got into fixing it. Even after doing what we discussed, he would suggest more. Ahhhh, sweet relief!

proximity

Smirnoff hates Aquafina, my ass!

slacker

I am a blogging slacker!

After the blog drama when I was in Iraq, I was terrified to hit my blog in the home office while I was in Colorado last week. Since getting home on Monday, I have no excuse except that I’ve been busy. Four belly dancing classes already this week!

I will find time (to write and read yours) very soon!

rough wake up

The alarm woke me up first, beeping persistently to be disarmed. Why hadn’t [M] shut it off? Where was he?

Then I heard the scuffling of bodies on the deck, the very disturbing and desperate cries of a puppy, and [M]’s voice. I leaped from the bed and sprinted towards the dining room.

The door was wide open. Smirnoff hovered hesitantly at the threshold, staring cautiously. The alarm was still beeping, more insistent now. I saw [M] holding the two dogs as they were on their hind legs, stuck together. Chaos was screaming, choking. Both dogs struggled in panic.

I tried to disarm to house but entered the wrong code. The beeping stopped, but the alarm had been sent. I ignored it and went to the door.

“What’s going on?”

“Zen is hooked in her collar.”

[M] was attempting to wrangle the dogs, to calm them enough to liberate them. Chaos’ whines were getting more suppressed as her gagging and choking took over. I could hear here fighting to breathe. Zen thrashed, tried so hard to let go.

“I need scissors or something,” [M] said, so calm.

I ran back into the living room, fetched the scissors, and ran back out onto the deck, completely naked. The dogs were tangled deep. Chaos’ face was covered in blood, and it filled Zen’s mouth. The collar rolled all of Chaos’ neck skin up against here face. Her breaths were only rasps now, and her eyes were rolling into her head.

I tried to calm the dogs, hold them still. They swung their heads as [M] attempted to take hold and cut the collar off. Finally, probably because she was nearly unconscious, Chaos stopped fighting enough for [M] to hack off the collar. Both dogs were free and terrified. They were both covered in blood.

Chaos’ nose bled sporadically for a few hours. Zen had a gash in the top of her head and a few smaller cuts on her snout and nose. After a shower, they slept and cuddled incessantly, constantly checking on each other.

One hell of a way to wake up.

lives

I leave for Colorado on Sunday–alone, for a week. I don’t think I’ve been in Colorado for more than three of four days since we left (Halloween 2008). I certainly haven’t been alone.

I’m looking forward to it. I LOVE traveling with Mike, but it will be nice to concentrate on all I want to do without him lamenting my over planning. I only have to balance myself and my work.

My week is, in fact, completely booked, but it’s so much easier to accomplish in a week. I’ll get to spend time with people individually, rather than cramming them all on top of each at one place/time; I’ll get to hit the restaurants I miss, without having to eat six times in a day; I’ll get to do the extras, like yoga and the incline.

I’m even getting my tattoo tweaked at Premier. My normal artist is too booked, but I still feel better getting it fixed there.

All this plus a week of work. I am hoping the time in the office will help rectify some building frustrations. Maybe a new, more formal doc process will help compensate for some of the problems I’ve been having. The program has issues, like every other one I have been on, but it is more difficult with me so easy to ignore at a distance.

Any connection, any change will be helpful. Unfortunately, my boss will be in the Colorado office the week after I’m there.

However, with all to go to Colorado for, finally, for the first time, I am leaving things behind in Tennessee (besides the pets). This time, I’m leaving my baby behind; I’m missing four belly dancing classes. I’m going to miss my family, my Dollies, my routine, the Sirens.

It’s only a week, so it will just be a nice break, yet I have finally made enough of a life here that I miss it when I’m gone. And in many ways, I do feel more settled and at peace. I still hate Tennessee and LOATHE nearly all the people; I still have no desire to remain here longer than we have to. It’s just nice to be on the other side of miserable at last.

ying yang

another couple shoot

student show

Saturday night was the Merrybellies Student Show and my second performance. The venue was far better than my last performance in December. The stage was large, low, and flat; there was a dressing area, lighting, sound system.

I also think that I did better. I made a point to look up a bit more. I still tend to look down a lot but baby steps. I was also confident in three out of four songs I was in. The fourth song is the one I learned just a couple weeks ago and the one that has been tormenting me since then. Damn fan veils. I made it through the entire song without fucking up; however, I was watching [Dolly Grippe] and pursing my lips the entire time hehe.

(Click the thumbnail to see the picture larger). You can also see more pictures and video from the show on my damned myspace page.